woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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