I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The best revenge is premature balding
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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