everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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