I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
