I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
