So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
