the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
