Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
