As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
There's even glitter on my cock...
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