Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
