Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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