I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
