I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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