I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
