There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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