note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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