But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
