i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
