Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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