I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
