you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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