No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
