i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
