Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
