Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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