If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
