I'm eating all of the evidence.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
