apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
