I'm gonna have a badass scar
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
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I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
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We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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