You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
