what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
