guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
