just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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