ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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