turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
