Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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