We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He felt like a one man threesome
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Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
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She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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