The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
