Your face is a jimmy john
You just made me feel so damn special
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
