i jhust puked up my retainher.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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