i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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