3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
