I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
