Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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