remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
