how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she peed on how many people?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
