By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I yelled at your uterus for you.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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