I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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