I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
