Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
