I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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