Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
