I wish I could punch you in the face.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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