i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
