Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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