No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
