it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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