i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I deserve this hangover.
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