nut hugger
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
