Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
